Beauty and Attractiveness: What’s Your Focus?

Half-starved supermodels staring from the TV screen. The latest and hottest clothing brand screaming for you to buy it. A woman, her face perfectly made up and colored, popping out of the front of a magazine cover.

How’s a girl to recognize true beauty while being hit with confusing ideas of what “beauty” is?

I hope you already recognize that what the media portrays is usually the media’s idea of attractiveness and is not real beauty. But my approach in this blog post may be different than most. I’m not going to tell you to burn every copy of Seventeen and parade outside with a sign that reads, “Down with the media!”

I’m simply going to ask you: where is your focus? How much are you letting this image affect you?

Let me explain what I mean. I’ll give you a few examples of girls and you can decide where you fit.

Girl #1, Sally, wants desperately to be beautiful. She feels if her face can come close to the faces she sees on the TV screen, she will be accepted by the cool people at school, liked by the boys, and she will be happy.

She reads all the latest magazines, she buys all the latest beauty products, she diets and colors and make-ups and spends hours getting ready every day.

Girl #2, Mariah, hates the way beauty is portrayed in the media. She knows that the false image magazines, TV, and commercials show of beauty is wrong. It makes her so angry that she becomes obsessed with it.

Every time she sees another girl at school dressed with the latest fashions, Mariah automatically associates her with the image she hates. “Why do they think they have to dress like that?” she wonders. “They should know better!” She doesn’t understand why boys only like these types of girls, and it really bothers her.

Every time Mariah sees a negative commercial about beauty, she yells at the TV screen and tells all her friends how wrong it is. It all just makes her so mad!

Girl #3, Elizabeth, notices the image of beauty portrayed by the media. But she recognizes what its purpose is: to sell something. She knows that this doesn’t display true beauty, the kind she sees in her mom and her friends. And she doesn’t let the media interpretation bother her.

Elizabeth doesn’t subscribe to magazines that make her feel like she’s not good enough. She only buys the latest fashion trends if it’s something she actually likes. She spends time getting ready in the morning, but she doesn’t think about her appearance constantly throughout the day. She knows she is a good and important person, and this is good enough for her.

She doesn’t choose her friends based on how they dress or look. She chooses them because they are good people who make her want to better. When other girls at school look like they’re trying to copy the fashion trends of supermodels, she tries to think of something good about their personalities or their talents.

Elizabeth is happy and at peace. She knows what’s important, and she doesn’t let the unimportant things bother her.

Okay, so a little cheesy, but really, which girl are you? Think about it.

I for one know that there’s a part of each of these girls in me. We’re all affected by the media at some time or other, and that’s okay. But I try very hard to be like Elizabeth.

Do you know girls like Sally? I know we all do. I feel sorry for girls like Sally, because although they try to look good outside, I know they are just hurting inside. They don’t know who they really are, and that it doesn’t take every make-up product in the store to make them beautiful.

Do you know girls like Mariah? I know a few. I even know organizations like Mariah. They know that the media portrays a false image of beauty, so they spend all their energy and time attacking the media.

What they don’t realize is that the media is not going to change. Magazines and television want to look artistically and visually appealing, and they want to sell products. In fact, they often think of models as just another piece of art.

As much as we attack the media, the media won’t change. And focusing on everything wrong about it just ends up making us feel hurt and angry.

So how can we be like Elizabeth? We can acknowledge that the media image of what’s hot and attractive is about selling things; it’s not about beauty. And we can focus instead on what beautiful really is.

We can learn new talents, like playing a sport or an instrument. We can spend time with good people who make us want to be better. We can read good books and watch good movies. We can help other people and do community service.

When we’re constantly watching TV shows and reading books and magazines that promote this false image of attractiveness (or when we’re constantly getting angry about these things), it becomes our focus. It’s what we think about and focus on, whether we believe it or not.

But when our focus is on beautiful, wholesome things, this fake sort of beauty doesn’t affect us. We know what true beauty is, and we recognize true beauty in ourselves and others.

I challenge you to pay attention to what you consume. What kind of TV shows do you watch? What do you read? What do you think about? Are these things lifting you up and making you feel beautiful, or are they bringing you down and making you feel like you’re not good enough?

And most importantly, what do you tell yourself when you look in the mirror?

If you compare yourself to those oh-so-elusive models, stop thinking those thoughts. Every time you look in the mirror, tell yourself what you like about yourself. Tell yourself you’re beautiful. It may sound dumb, but it works!

An amazing teenage girl and I both did this for a month. We put up sticky notes on our mirrors that said, “I am beautiful.” And it really changed things for us!

As you come to believe you are beautiful, you will come to know what true beauty is.

So ask yourself: what’s your focus? Because when it comes to beauty and appearance, no one else can control what you believe beauty really is. Only you can do that.

Erin J. is a beautiful young woman who enjoys writing beautiful things about true beauty.

One by One: Coming to See My True Beauty

I was dumped for the first and only time (so far) when I was 15. I wasn’t even sure if we were going out yet, but it still felt like the end of the world.

When I asked the guy why, he just said “I don’t love you anymore.” Now it’s obvious that he was interested in another girl and just didn’t want to admit it to me, but I couldn’t see that at the time.

When I didn’t like that answer, I started asking myself why on earth he would dump me – especially in a text, when we’d known each other since fourth grade. Unfortunately, this led to me looking at all the things I didn’t like about myself. I told myself “if I was skinnier, maybe he wouldn’t have dumped me,” and similar things about my appearance.

This went on for months, and the more I thought about reasons why, the more I came to hate myself. I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror, I hated every single picture that I saw of me, and I couldn’t find anything redeemable about myself after a while. 

Then one night, after looking at myself in the mirror and hating what I saw there, I just felt so lost and alone. I didn’t know how I could keep going on like this. I cried to God for help, for strength to keep on living my life. Suddenly I felt a calm spirit blanket me, and I could feel the arms of God around me, and feel how much he loved me.

I felt the urge to go look into the mirror. I resisted, thinking that I didn’t want to see how terrible I appeared after feeling that overwhelming sense of love. I went anyway, and what I saw shocked me. I was beautiful. I could hardly believe this was the same person that had looked so grotesque to me just a few minutes earlier. I had the impression come to my mind that this is how God saw me, and that he loved me exactly as I was, faults and all.

The next morning, I looked in the mirror again, and was disappointed to see my usual image staring back at me. But then I noticed something different: I liked my eyes.

I took it a day at a time, and focused on the things I saw that I liked about myself, and the parts of my personality that I was proud of. By taking time to think of those little aspects, I was able to see more and more great things about myself.

It took me over a year and help from many wonderful people to recover from that experience, but now I can look in the mirror every day and see a beautiful girl staring back at me.

Through that experience, I was able to see how easy it is to get discouraged, especially with all the distorted ideas of beauty that surround us daily. But I know if you pray for strength, and for help to see the beautiful things about yourself, the Lord will truly help you to see yourself as He does. And nothing is quite as amazing as that. 

Carly H.’s goals include becoming an accountant, serving a mission for her church, marrying her true love, and always seeing her true beauty.

Just Be Yourself!

I trudged down the hall at school after a long day of classes and work and was starting to feel discouraged about myself. I looked up just in time to catch a quote posted crookedly on a teacher’s bulletin board: “Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” –Oscar Wilde.

That quote instantly changed my frame of mind and made me rethink why I was feeling so discouraged. I usually get discouraged when I start comparing myself to other people. I am jealous of their skills, their accomplishments, their beauty, or even their luck.

On hard days, I find myself wondering why I can’t be just a little shorter or why I don’t sound as smart as the other students in my classes. Or why everyone likes that other person so much more than they like me. I wish I had a different life! Sound familiar?

This type of discouragement happens to all of us, but we have to find ways to combat those feelings before we spiral down to a place that’s hard to get out of.

When I get discouraged I remember that Oscar Wilde quote and remember that I only have to worry about being me. I get to work on being the best version of myself that I possibly can, and not just because Oscar Wilde said it was true. Each of us has a unique personality, and each of us has the ability to contribute meaningfully wherever we go.

So many of us spend so much of our time worrying about living up to what other people are doing that we forget to live up to the potential within ourselves. Instead of spending the energy worrying about how I don’t live up or how I don’t fit in, I could better spend that time figuring out what my talents and interests are. I could find people to serve. I could be my best self.

So if you’re struggling to remember who you are like so many of us do, here’s an idea that a friend gave me that I’d like to share with you:

* Make a list of at least five of your talents, skills, or traits. Enlist help from your family and friends if you need to because sometimes they can see us more clearly than we can see ourselves.

* Next, every day look at yourself in the mirror and say out loud to yourself the things you wrote on your list.

* Really look at yourself in the eyes even though it may be tempting to look away. And do this every day until you really believe what you’re saying.

* You’ll have days when it will be a piece of cake. You’ll have days when you want to resist and argue with every one of those points, but say those great qualities that you listed anyway. Say them even when it brings tears to your eyes or when it makes you laugh at loud.

* Eventually, you won’t have to remind yourself of your unique talents, but you will know within yourself that you have inherent worth.

Always remember when you look in the mirror to see yourself for the beautiful individual that you are—inside and out.

Marinda Q. is an English grad student who loves being herself!

Food, Self Worth, and the Real Me

Because food is always on my mind in order for me to keep my diabetes under control, I didn’t realize the skewed perspective of self-worth and self-image that food was causing me to have.

I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes when I was 11 years old, so I had to start counting carbohydrates and paying attention to how different foods affected my blood sugar. Since then, I have been encouraged by my doctor to exercise and eat well, but he has never discouraged me from eating what I want.

Because food is always on my mind in order for me to keep my blood sugar under control, food has brought with it some emotional side-effects. It wasn’t until recently that I finally acknowledged my skewed perspective of self-worth and self-image that food was causing me to have.

My life is very structured, and that structure includes organized food and exercise. However, unplanned situations arise from time to time that throw off my typical eating and exercise schedule. Last year, my roommate and best friend got married. As the wedding came and went, finals started approaching, and family and Christmas were on my mind. I didn’t realize how much I was trying to deal with as one thing added upon another. One day I came home with a lot on my mind, and I didn’t understand why I felt like I could snap at any moment. My mom looked at me and asked what was wrong, and I just lost it. I started bawling and she held me in her arms and let me cry as long as I wanted. Little did I know that this was only the beginning of a long, difficult road of uncomfortable emotions.

Once I had finished a good long cry, I decided I wanted some food for comfort. This was definitely not the first time I turned to food to appease my emotions, but this started a phase of emotional eating that lasted much longer than it ever has in my life. I looked for anything I could get my hands on, and once I started eating, I couldn’t stop. It was especially bad at night. Binging every night became habit, and whenever I had  low blood sugar my brain told my body that it desperately needed sugar, so I had a good excuse to eat and eat until I was sick. I didn’t tell any of my roommates or family members what I was dealing with, and I would sometimes sneak food into my room without anybody seeing. I was embarrassed, and I was jealous of my roommates and family members who seemed to eat whatever they wanted without gaining any weight, and stopped eating when they were full. I was absolutely terrified of the Christmas holiday, because I knew that being home surrounded by family and Christmas treats, I would not be able to control myself.

I thought a lot about boys and dating whenever I found myself binging on junk food. I often thought, How could any guy like me if he knew I have such a problem with food? I’m just on my way to getting fat. He’ll notice. I wish I could just be in control. But I also don’t want to have to tell guys I date that I don’t eat certain things. I don’t want guys thinking I’m a health freak.

I started to keep a journal of thoughts I had whenever I felt like binging. I hated myself. I was consciously going against everything I knew about being healthy, but I couldn’t escape my actions. My blood sugar was out of control, and I knew I was gaining weight.

One day I wrote, I know that I’m not letting Christ in. But I’m scared to lose this addiction that I always turn to. It has always been a part of me, and I feel like it’s a weakness I’ll never get rid of. This is impossible to fix on my own—I need Christ to save me. I am completely dependent on Him. I tried to think of ways I could turn this weakness into a strength, but at the time it seemed impossible.

One night as I was eating pretzels and Nutella without any intention of stopping, I realized something. I wrote, God would be sitting right next to me while I am binging, as if nothing I am doing is wrong. He wouldn’t just sit here watching me with a critical eye. He would be sitting here talking with me at my worst and lowest point and my actions wouldn’t even phase Him. He would pass no judgment. He loves me no matter what.

But I was still afraid to change. I didn’t know what to do next. I was afraid of starting on a clean slate, because I knew I would just mess up again. I had gone through this cycle before. I wanted to take control of my life again, but I also didn’t want to become obsessive about my health. I wanted to stop thinking about food. How could I ignore the rest of the world—all the diets, health claims, fit people—and figure out what was important and healthy for me?

With practice of eating healthy, I discovered that  if I had the choice, I would make everything with whole grains, healthy fats, fruits, veggies…purely because I absolutely love how those foods taste and how I feel after eating them! I feel truly happy and confident! But I struggled to know how to fill my menu with nutritional foods while being constantly surrounded by refined foods. I found it ironic that the thing I was so passionate about being in control of was one of the hardest things for me to control.

I started talking to people close to me about what I was going through. It was uncomfortable expressing my deepest concerns to people, but I had to start letting people in to this door of my life. Once I started letting people in, my issues didn’t seem so bad. Some people I talked to were shocked at first when I told them what I was going through, but they listened. Nobody had ever seen this side of me before. I had to teach people to understand this hidden struggle, because it was such a big part of my life.

One night I woke up at 3 am with very low blood sugar. After treating it with my bedside chocolate, I decided to go to the kitchen to eat some more. As I ate, rather than thinking how guilty I felt for eating more than was necessary, I started thinking about other people who might be going through something similar. I thought, Who could I relate to right now?  If I hadn’t gone out to the kitchen to eat, I would not have opened my notebook to read notes that I took from a fireside given by Brad Wilcox, a college professor and motivational speaker. From my notes, I realized, God and I are in this together. This isn’t about how much I’m eating. It’s about what I need to learn from this experience. While I was eating (and I knew what I was eating was unnecessary) I wasn’t telling myself I needed to stop. I accepted that I was eating and I kept eating. It wasn’t that it was ok or healthy for me to eat this much, but I realized that it wasn’t about my behavior. It was about my relationship with God. I realized I had power to change, and I could do anything, if I did it with Christ. I had to put my faith and trust in Him. And I didn’t feel so guilty anymore.

As the year came to a close and the New Year came around, I made some personal goals. I didn’t quite know how I was going to change, but I knew I needed to start. I accepted the fact that I struggled, and I learned to appreciate the trial as a learning experience and something that would bring me closer to God and to others. I came to understand a lot more about myself and my relationships. Before I came to these understandings, I literally could not see any way out of what I was going through…but somehow I knew I would eventually get to the other side.

Today, I can look back and pinpoint what I learned from the experience. I still struggle, and I still have weak moments, but I don’t have so much guilt anymore and I don’t base my self-confidence off of a number on the scale. I have learned how to better control what is on the inside, rather than letting outside influences determine my self-control and self-image.

As I have reflected on how I have turned my weaknesses into strengths, I have recognized new strengths as I have learned to open myself up to others and to trust in God: stronger relationships, a better view of myself, sympathy for others, a desire to be healthy, passion for healthy foods and exercise, and confidence in who I am and who I want to be.

I know that food will be a struggle for me for the rest of my life. God is not going to simply take away the temptation. But I have already become stronger and learned to expect that I will struggle, but I can accept and deal with all my struggles. I may not always be perfect, but I am so much stronger, and I can honestly say I am grateful for the experience.

Becca A. is currently serving as a missionary for her church, where she’s teaching others about their worth.